As a survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse, even many years later into your healing, it can be extremely frightening and difficult to accept your memories. You may struggle with denial, that this possibly cant be true, that there has to be another answer, reason, anything but this. Yes, the cult plays lots of mind games, lots of trickery, and lots of confusion with the use of torture, mind altering drugs, brainwashing and programming etc. There are a lot of double bind scenarios, and you may feel that you cant trust your memories. Here is what has helped me figure this all out.
If you repeatedly get the same memory, flashback, nightmare, intrusive thought, image, flash of the abuse etc---paired with physical and emotional pain/ as well as extreme reactions to the memory that you cant deny or dismiss---you can be sure that it is true. I have found that until I record the memory (in all forms---nightmare, flashback etc) that it will continue until I do. This I believe, is my body's way of letting me know that I need to record it so that I can heal. I also believe that God is telling me that I cant dismiss this, ignore this, or think that its not real or didnt happen. He is telling me that yes, it happened, pay attention to it, write it down and heal from it.
It is also important to note, that you may get more pieces to the same memory when triggered, so write this down as well. Because survivors have dissociated a lot of their abuse, the memories tend to come in stages and you will get another piece to the same memory when you are ready to handle it. Remember to breathe, ground yourself in the here and now, and remind yourself that even though it feels like it is happening in the present (When you relive a memory), that you are out of that environment, that you have support now, and that you are building a new life, you are free.
I have been struggling for years with a particular memory regarding my being forcibly impregnated by my father and my being pregnant with twins (A boy and a girl) as a teen . My twins being taken from me early (drug induced early delivery) and being forced to watch my twins killed in front of me by my father, after my father raped me in front of them first. I can not describe the amount of pain that I still feel when I think of this. I feel so sad, heartbroken, and devastated.
I feel and believe that the trigger for me regarding this particular memory (repeating over and over) is my large fibroid that I currently have in my uterus. I am constantly reminded on a daily basis of this memory because I can see the round, hard, bump on my stomach, I feel like I am carrying around a baby in my stomach, I feel the pressure, the pain, and the heaviness in my stomach.
I am feeling the loss intensely, as I am now past the age of having a child without complications, and since I will be getting a hysterectomy, any chance of ever having children is lost. I am trying my best to accept this fact, as ever since I was a little girl, all I have ever wanted (along with wanting to be a nurse) was to be a mother. I have achieved a lot of my goals and dreams and I have come far in my life, but this is one dream that will never materialise for me.
I am still trying to heal from this memory...I think that it will take me a long time to recover from this one.
*You may also find in times of great distress over a particularly difficult memory, that you bounce back and forth between accepting the memory and denying it as the emotional pain can be devastating. Keep in mind that the cult programmed you to never remember, so when you do, you are dealing with all of the programmed messages that you received as a child should you remember. Example: "Truth are lies, and lies are truth". You were tortured as a child and repeatedly told that should you ever speak of the abuse that you are lying, evil, crazy, that no one will ever believe you, etc. So if you start to doubt yourself, look back at all of your journal writings of your memories, remember all the times that you have had horrific and physically painful flashbacks, remember your emotional/ physical reactions, and look back over your life and really look at how you have been affected by all of the abuse. You would not have suffered like you have, and struggled so much to heal from it all if it didnt take place. All you have to do is look at your current triggers and see how you are still affected by the abuse even today.
I believe in my heart that my babies are safe with God and are waiting for me to come home to be with them one day. I am very spiritual and believe in the afterlife, and know in my heart that they will be with me again one day.
I Love you babies.
I'll Stand By You---The Pretenders
I love you babies, I wish I could have protected you.
Everything's Going To Be Alright---Sweetbox (You may have to cut and paste the link below into your browser)
This song is dedicated to the memory of my two babies (twins) that I lost in the cult as a teen. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this memory, and I finally have accepted that this is a reality.