I just got diagnosed today after spending the entire day at the hospital for a very large fibroid cyst in my uterus. Apparently my uterus (which is suppose to be the size of a pear) is filled with a fibroid that is longer than a large pen (As well as across), and is about 3 inches in diameter.
*After seeing my gynecologist a few months after my diagnosis at the hospital, I was told that my fibroid is now the size of a very large cantaloupe, and that I will need a hysterectomy. This is all very triggering for me as my stomach now has a round shape to it like I am 3-4 months pregnant, and I feel like I am carrying around a basket ball in my stomach. I feel the constant pressure and weight, and recently have been experiencing a lot of pain again while working. I have already put in place friends who will help me before my surgery, after, and look after my kitties while I am in the hospital. I am very nervous about the surgery, but know it is necessary, and that I will feel better once I have recovered.
Images Of Uterine Fibroids:
There are study's that suggest a link between girls who have experienced sexual abuse/ trauma in their childhood developing this later on in adulthood. The more severe the abuse, the more likely the survivor may develop fibroid cysts later on in life.
Symptoms of a fibroid tumor in the uterus:
-Abdominal swelling/ pressure/ severe pain (abdomen feels rock hard)
-Pressure on the rectum/ rectal pain when defecating
-Heavy bleeding during menstrual cycles or spotting in between (I am now experiencing lack of a normal period...early menopause? Or the large fibroid could be preventing my menstral cycle)
-For myself I have experienced severe sweating, diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting on occasion during severe attacks of pain
I believe deep in my heart that all of the severe sexual torture/ abuse etc that I endured in the cult has helped bring this condition about in my uterus. Extreme stress can cause many conditions in the body over time. That's why it is important to find ways to reduce your stress if possible.
I am so grateful that I now have a surgery date!!! Now I know there is an end in sight to the pain in my uterus! I am so happy!
Having the surgery has been very triggering and very hard on me. I am very grateful for all of the support I have received from those that care about me, as well as the medical staff at the hospital. Its been exactly one week. I have my good days and bad days with pain.Got staples out this afternoon.
I found the third day really hit me emotionally, and I am still feeling very sad about the loss of my twins, even though it was so long ago. I don't think I ever really let myself grieve over this loss as it has taken me until recently to accept this reality. Now that my uterus and cervix are gone, it has really sunk in that I will never be a mother. Everyone that supports me has been great, I can not express my gratitude enough. My experience in the operating room terrified me and I froze as soon as I stepped foot into the room. The nurses had to tell me what to do, I did one step then froze again. I am sure it was a chore for them to get me to do what they wanted. I did what they wanted, but I was very hesitant and slow, I kept telling myself that I had to be a good patient, advice from a great friend...as she and I know what its like (career) when clients exhibit behaviours, so I kept trying hard to be a good patient, but I was so scared and triggered I went into the past and kind of lost my composure. I was laying on a hard table with my arms out stretched like a cross (triggered the hell out of me) and I was strapped down along with my legs with large leather straps, the drugs (IV) and oxygen mask (I couldn't breathe and felt like I was drowning) but a nice nurse came rushing over and unstrapped my left arm (my right arm wasn't strapped down at this point), held my hand, pushed the other nurses hand away with the oxygen mask, told me it was OK , wiped my eyes and told me that I was on a beach, told me to slow my breathing, and I finally fell asleep.
I am very glad to be home with my sweet, loving kitties, but feeling depressed, and know I need time to heal. I know all of this is normal under the circumstances.
I have been thinking that it is important for me to list what the triggers were for me in the operating room for 2 reasons.
1. I will get it out of me and I can see it on paper/ computer screen.
2. It may help those of you reading this, to be able to identify what the triggers may be for you. Although triggers will be unique for every survivor, there are common triggers in Satanic Ritual Abuse.
Triggers In Operating Room: (All of the triggers reminded me of the abuse)
-Hard, narrow table for me to lay on that is higher than a bed. There were a couple of little stairs for me to climb up on to get on the table for the operation.
-This table had slabs for my arms to rest on which ended up putting me in the shape of a cross.
-This table was in the center of the room.
-I was strapped by my legs and left arm by large leather straps with buckles. (Right arm may have been strapped after I fell asleep)
-Drugs being administered into my body by IV
-Very bright lighting in the operating room
-Large computer screen angled at me (I know this was to aid in the operation, but it reminded me of the programming, and recording of the abuse)
-Lots of people rushing around me (with me being in the center of the room on a tall table, reminded me of being on an alter)
-Medical, sterile, lab like environment
-Medical instruments laying out on trays
-Oxygen mask being held over my mouth and nose.
-2 Big, round lights right above me angled at my body for the operation
-I was in a vulnerable position
-I feared being cut open
-I feared dying
-I feared not having the ability to be aware of my surroundings
-Felt trapped, confined, terrified, unable to escape
-Felt like I was drowning (couldn't breathe, I hyperventilated, tears started coming, I went into the past)
Feelings After Hysterectomy:
-Profound sadness, emptiness
-Mourning the loss of my twins (Teenage pregnancy within cult)/ mourning the loss of never having the chance to be a mother to my children
-Feeling very alone in my grief/ frustrated that I have also had to deal with SRA dates on top of this
-Feeling frustrated that I am forced through my circumstances to take this time to heal (Physically/ emotionally) as I still can not do much physically. I miss being at work, being busy, and being around others.
-Feeling fed up that I still have to deal with the left over effects of the past as I am so tired of it all.
Be patient with yourself as you move through your grieving process. Although your grief has to do with losses from so long ago, this doesnt mean that they are any less important. Surviving Satanic Ritual Abuse is horrific, your memories are horrific, and your feelings of loss are horrific. Your life has not been normal by any means, so you can not compare yourself to anyone else. Also remember that the way you are feeling right now, will not last forever. You may experience waves of grief, then waves of rest from the grief, then waves of grief again. Take one day at a time. I am trying to do this and remind myself of this at this very moment. Life wont always be so hard.
I hope that my sharing this will help those of you who may have to go through something similar. It is scary, triggering and stressful, but you will be OK, and get through it. I did, so you will too.
Love Victorious Heart