People Like Us--- Kelly Clarkson
I am sitting here at my computer, trying to think of the best words to say to help those of you survivors that are needing some encouragement and hope. Ok, here goes. I was born into a Multi-Generational Satanic Cult / MC (Mind Control) which includes Masons and The Order Of The Eastern Star (Masonic Group). (I found this out years later when I got my hands on both sides of the family tree books written by family/ cult members which listed these groups, dating back as far as the 1600's---There is the possibility of Illuminati as well, judging by what I now know). Recovering from this kind of abuse is so very hard. There really are no words to even describe the amount of anguish, pain, despair, hurt, anger, denial, fear, terror, the not wanting to believe, the begging to God for it to not be true, to wish that you are truly crazy than for any of this to be actually true. Well, it is true, you are not crazy, and you will heal even though it doesn't feel like it right now at this present moment in your life.
Take it from me. I started having nightmares of the sexual abuse as young as 6 yrs old after having my stroke which was caused by all the abuse within the cult. At 13 my mind put together the pieces and I realized that my father was the one who was raping and torturing me. My nightmares also started to change (Age 18/ 19 yrs) , depicting cult symbolism/ abuse. In my 20's I started to break down and was flooded with nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and images while preparing dinner, etc, and I was so overloaded with the horrific memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse that there were many times that I literally threw up in the toilet after a memory/ flashback/ nightmare. My fear and anxiety were through the roof, I found it difficult to leave my house at times, and I suffered from panic attacks (Especially when in crowds of people). I would sleep with my bible open to the psalms to ward off evil (Even though I cant get through the bible as it makes my head hurt, I needed something from God to protect me as I slept), and I even took to sleeping with a knife under my pillow to help me feel safe. I would try to sleep in my bed but would spend most nights wide awake crying and writing in my journal, or on the crisis line, and would sleep during the day on my couch. I would keep a dish of ice cubes next to me to hold when I needed to ground myself along with my journal to write down my nightmare or flashback as if I didn't, the same nightmare or flashback would repeat until I did. This showed me that I needed to record it in order for that one particular memory to stop. My body was telling me it was important to write all of this down in order for me to piece together my past and heal.
Believe it or not, during this difficult time in my life, I still found the energy to work part time for a little while, later enrolling in University as a mature student and took some psychology, sociology, and philosophy courses part time for 2 years, I was able to go to bars with my friends, had relationships (though not healthy as I wasn't healthy and allowed these guys to abuse me) and I enjoyed many camping trips, trips to the beach, shopping, etc. Even though my life was pure hell, I still had good moments which helped pull me through. I also stayed in therapy which helped me cope, deal with and eventually break away from these destructive relationships, and I worked on working through my memories and better ways to cope through it all. During this time I had a hard time eating meat, drinking juice, especially tomato juice and water, and every time I opened the fridge I saw human heads sitting on the shelves, I saw flashes of horror when trying to open a pack of hamburger meat or chicken wings to prepare for dinner. I heard the sound of my fathers ankles cracking late at night and I had to keep my lights on all night. The memories were awful and I experienced them with all of my senses. I saw the past, I heard the past, I smelled the past, I felt the pressure of my father on top of me, it was awful. There were times I felt that my mouth was full of blood and I ran to the bathroom to check....there was nothing in my mouth, certainly no blood...it was yet again another memory. I ended up losing so much weight during this period of my life as I could not eat certain things and couldn't keep much down, I felt so sick.
I've dealt with a lot of harassment from my family/ cult over the years, and my father actually tried to run my boyfriend and I off the road with his car while I was in my boyfriend's car just after I first left home, and my family had also threatened to kill me. I have had to work hard at breaking all contact with my family, and erase all messages on my phone that contained triggering nursery rhymes, electronic tones, growling, threats, call back numbers, delete emails that contained literature about Satan from my mother, throw out gifts from my mother in the mail that were cult triggers, etc.
I am sharing this with you survivors so that you know that I GET IT...and YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here today to tell you that although most of my life has been difficult and I have spent years healing from the abuse, I still had good moments during the years and had fun, I treasured these moments, held on to them, stayed in therapy, made countless lists posted on my fridge of my goals and dreams, took the steps necessary to reach my goals and dreams, listened to music which is a powerful way to heal, wrote in my journal every day, prayed every day to God, got out in nature, took comfort in my friends, got rid of friends/ relationships that were toxic , made better decisions, sought guidance often, stayed open to learning new things, never gave up on myself, always fought for my future, kept my eye on what I wanted for myself in my life, always asked for help, accepted the help, and practiced lots of self care, and used exercise as a way to deal with all of the emotions that Ritual Abuse brings up.
Today, I am in my early 40's, work at a job that I totally love, I still have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I am very aware of my surroundings at all times--- as ritual abuse survivors suffer from extreme PTSD---but it is not as debilitating as it once was. I hardly have any flashbacks---once in a blue moon now, my nightmares have stopped (I have been getting the odd one on RA dates again lately---apparently more memories come once again, when you are ready/ strong enough to face more of your past), I no longer suffer from panic attacks, my anxiety has lessened a great deal, I still deal with triggers but I have the tools to cope with the triggers effectively. Certain RA dates still affect/ overwhelm me to a certain degree (But not nearly to the degree that they use to) such as Christmas (And Saturnalia/ Dec 17th), New Years Eve, Easter, Mother's Day, and Halloween for a few examples but I am able to recognize that during these times I need to "up" my self care, and usually after a few days I feel myself again. I have broken all contact for several years now from my family/ cult, I manage to remain in a state of calm most times (Even though I don't always feel calm), I enjoy most days, feel happy more than sad, feel safer than I use to, I look forward to climbing into my bed with my kitties at night, I love getting out in nature and take pleasure in the birds/ butterflies/ rabbits/ chipmunks/ etc. I love exercising (Biking, walking, etc) as this not only helps me loosen up (Chronic back pain), but exercise also builds muscle to support your spine, improves your mood and outlook on life tremendously. I love listening and dancing to my favorite music, I love to laugh and can be silly, I take pleasure in cooking meat, and can eat anything I want to, I drink anything my heart desires, I feel stronger than I use to and I know that I can handle almost any situation. I am surrounded by special/ loving people in my life. I feel grateful for all that I have, I trust my intuition, I still love and believe in God, and I feel truly blessed.
My hope is that my sharing this tiny blurb of my life totally condensed will help those of you who think that there is no way that you can get past your present emotional state. You can and you will. The abuse will affect you for the rest of your life, but less and less as you heal.
*Keep in mind that many years later into your healing (Far after the crisis stage of being flooded with memories), you may go through a period of memories emerging once again---new ones. For when you become stronger, you remember more. Personally, I am done with needing anymore answers to my past. I have enough knowledge of what I endured, but my body is still releasing the horrors of the past. The difference---is that at this stage, you are well equipped to deal with the memories, and can function. You have the nightmare or flashback, ground yourself, breathe, and go to sleep, or cook dinner, or go to work, or go shopping. Such a difference from when you are first starting your healing process.
You will progress and the intensity of it all will greatly decrease as you continue to heal. Just take each moment as it comes, deal with it as best as you can, stay in therapy, never give up, journal (As this can really show you how far you have come), have dreams and goals--make a list of them and the steps you need to take in order to achieve them, have fun despite all the pain your are in, reflect on these moments, stay positive, reach out, and never, ever give up on yourself....most of all ...believe in yourself. Believe you can make it...because you can.
A Satanic Ritual Abuse Survivor's Story:
Caution: May be triggering for survivors as there are a lot of biblical quotes throughout the other pages on the site, but the one page on this site/ link below is free from the bible quotes and may help some of you feel less alone.