How do you ever come to terms with the fact that you have been left behind to survive the cult, when you witnessed the many deaths of others? What about the guilt of being forced to participate in ritual murders through torture, manipulation, brainwashing, programming, the threat of your own life, having the abuser place his hands over yours and force you to commit the act against your will as a child? I have experienced so much horror, death and pain. I dont know how I have managed to heal to the point that I am able to smile, eat, laugh, function, have healthy friendships, great employment and love of my job, love of nature, love of God/ the angels/ the universe, animals, music, cooking, gardening, writing, drawing, and such a deep desire to help others on a daily basis. How is this possible? Some days, I have no clue. I have spent many days over the years during my healing process crying, wondering why it was that I survived when others did not, praying for forgiveness, feeling sick to my stomach, feeling unworthy of living, praying for death, praying for a normal life, praying for peace, praying for healing from all of the darkness of the past. Other days I know that I am worthy as I never chose any of this, that I always chose the light, that I was an innocent child fighting for my life. I also know that it is because of God/ the angels and the universe that I have survived, and have healed as much as I have. Today, I no longer pray for death, I pray for a fulfilling life with lots of love, happiness, and peace. I obviously am here for a reason, a purpose, and I have so much more to do in this life besides heal from the past.
I am trying to think of what to say to you survivors who are struggling with the fact that you survived the abuse when so many others did not, possibly including the realisation that you had a baby (or babies) within the cult setting, and the horror at witnessing the death of your babies, or the horror of the realisation that your babies are enslaved within the cult setting, and you are unable to protect them and are separated from them for what feels like an eternity. (*I strongly believe that when it is your time to leave this world, that you will be reunited with your baby/ babies again---this is something that I am hanging on to).
How do you heal from these kinds of things? How do you heal from what you remember? How do you heal from all of the pain?
-One day at a time
-By believing in yourself
-Lots of self care (Bubble baths, cooking, stretching/ exercise, listening to music, journalling, getting out with friends and having fun, laying on the couch in your fluffy pj's with a good movie, spending time with your animals, dancing, gardening, painting your nails, applying skin cream, walks in the trails)
-Your belief system (God, the angels, the universe)
-Give yourself a break (Have patience and confidence in your strength---wise and supportive words from a friend of mine)
-Remember to laugh and find humour in situations in life...laughter is the best medicine
-Treat yourself to something special (Ice cream, coffee, shopping, etc)
-Watch funny shows on TV
-Help others.....this is SO important. My job gives me so much happiness in my life as I have the opportunity to support and help others that are less fortunate than myself. This act of kindness fills your soul on so many levels, and is so healing.
-Making an appointment with your councillor if you need to, to work through your feelings
-Give yourself permission to be imperfect.....no one is perfect...why should you have to be???
It is important to remember that you would not be who you are today without all of your past experiences. Try to focus on the positives that have come out of this all. Focus on your strengths, your likes and dislikes, your passions, your goals, dreams and things you wish to accomplish in life. Focus on all that is right and good in your life, what brings you joy and makes you laugh, what makes you be a little silly. It is a good thing to be able to laugh, act silly, and dream of a future. Draw strength from these things, and remember most of all, that you are special, strong and a true survivor in this life and that you may just be able to shine a little light in this world to help heal the world.
Healing from Satanic Ritual Abuse and all of the memories years later is so very hard, especially when you have been left behind to survive, but you can do it by being patient with yourself, giving yourself a break, by taking good care of yourself, helping others and remembering to laugh at yourself every once in a while.
I know it isnt easy, but remember that you are not alone.
Love, Victorious Heart